Dear non-existential readers
I’ve been struggling to cope with some of my issues the past few months, mainly emotional reliance, emptiness and self-esteem issues.
And I think for the first time, I finally feel like I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. To put it into a gist, I’ve been relying on someone for far too long, and far too much. It’s like how a baby relies on their mother- and the mother disappears. The consequences of it spiralled quite a lot- and I’m slowly picking up the pieces. And I feel hopeful again, something I’ve not been feeling for a long time since coming back from exchange.
I’m feeling more optimistic, and having part of my old self again- that cheerfulness, feels good. Yet, at the same time, I think I’ve grown too, and I’m no longer the me I used to be.
I still have the same old questions- what do I wanna do in the future, what kind of change I would want to make- but somehow, this feels a little different. I feel like I’m ready again, and I feel that I’m gonna come back stronger than ever.
I honestly don’t know why I’m sharing this to the public, to random strangers of the mysterious internet, where it can be so vulnerable and perhaps may one day be used in an attempt to exploit me. But I also know that by sharing this part of me to the world, I am recognising it, and you cannot attack someone with something they are not afraid to hide.
At the end, we’re all humans with their own fears and challenges to conquer. I just want to say that, even if you think you’re alone, you’re never alone.
I just wanted to post this here before I lose the list, because I LOVE psychological thrillers. I love movies that make you think.
Below is basically a movie list, where I had to pick one and do a review for my Abnormal Psychology in Film during my Uppsala university exchange days. And I told myself I would watch these movies one day, but yeah it isn’t my priority right now so I’m just gonna put it out here.
From the list, I’ve watched A Beautiful Mind, Girl, Interrupted, Gone Girl, Good Will Hunting, Inside Out, The Machinist, Memento, Silver Linings Playbook and Shutter Island. Really liked Gone Girl, Inside Out, Memento and Shutter Island.
- 50 First Dates (2004)
Henry Roth is a man afraid of commitment up until he meets the beautiful Lucy. They hit it off and Henry think he’s finally found the girl of his dreams, until he discovers she has short-term memory loss and forgets him the very next day.
- About Schmidt (2002)
A man upon retirement embarks on a journey to his estranged daughter’s wedding only to discover more about himself and life than he ever expected.
- Antichrist (2009)
A grieving couple retreat to their cabin in the woods, hoping to repair their broken hearts and troubled marriage. But nature takes its course and things go from bad to worse.
- As Good as it Gets (1997)
A single mother/waitress, a misanthropic author, and a gay artist form an unlikely friendship after the artist is assaulted in a robbery.
- The Babadook (2014)
A single mother, plagued by the violent death of her husband, battles with her son’s fear of a monster lurking in the house, but soon discovers a sinister presence all around her.
- A Beautiful Mind (2001)
After John Nash, a brilliant but asocial mathematician, accepts secret work in cryptography, his life takes a turn for the nightmarish.
- Black Swan (2010)
A committed dancer wins the lead role in a production of Tchaikovsky’s “Swan Lake” only to find herself struggling to maintain her sanity.
- Brothers (2009) / Brødre (2004)
A young man comforts his older brother’s wife and children after he goes missing in Afghanistan.
- A Clockwork Orange (1971)
In future Britain, charismatic delinquent Alex DeLarge is jailed and volunteers for an experimental aversion therapy developed by the government in an effort to solve society’s crime problem – but not all goes according to plan.
- Experimenter (2015)
In 1961, famed social psychologist Stanley Milgram conducted a series of radical behavior experiments that tested ordinary humans’ willingness to obey authority.
- The Fisher King (1991)
A former radio DJ, suicidally despondent because of a terrible mistake he made, finds redemption in helping a deranged homeless man who was an unwitting victim of that mistake.
- Girl, Interrupted (1999)
Based on writer Susanna Kaysen’s account of her 18-month stay at a mental hospital in the 1960s.
- Gone Girl (2014)
With his wife’s disappearance having become the focus of an intense media circus, a man sees the spotlight turned on him when it’s suspected that he may not be innocent.
- Good Will Hunting (1997)
Will Hunting, a janitor at M.I.T., has a gift for mathematics, but needs help from a psychologist to find direction in his life.
- I am a Cyborg, but That´s OK (2006)
A girl who thinks she is a combat cyborg checks into a mental hospital, where she encounters other psychotics. Eventually, she falls for a man who thinks he can steal people’s souls.
- I am Sam (2001)
A mentally handicapped man fights for custody of his 7-year-old daughter, and in the process teaches his cold hearted lawyer the value of love and family.
- I rymden finns inga känslor (“Simple Simon”) (2010) [Swedish]
Younger brother with asperger syndrome helps his older brother find a girlfriend.
- Inside Out (2015)
After young Riley is uprooted from her Midwest life and moved to San Francisco, her emotions – Joy, Fear, Anger, Disgust and Sadness – conflict on how best to navigate a new city, house, and school.
- It’s Kind of a Funny Story (2010)
A clinically depressed teenager gets a new start after he checks himself into an adult psychiatric ward.
- The Machinist (2004)
An industrial worker who hasn’t slept in a year begins to doubt his own sanity.
- Matchstick Men (2003)
A phobic con artist and his protégé are on the verge of pulling off a lucrative swindle when the former’s teenage daughter arrives unexpectedly.
- Melancholia (2011)
Two sisters find their already strained relationship challenged as a mysterious new planet threatens to collide with Earth.
- Memento (2000)
A man juggles searching for his wife’s murderer and keeping his short-term memory loss from being an obstacle.
- Nightcrawler (2014)
When Louis Bloom, a driven man desperate for work, muscles into the world of L.A. crime journalism, he blurs the line between observer and participant to become the star of his own story.
- One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest (1975)
A criminal pleads insanity after getting into trouble again and once in the mental institution rebels against the oppressive nurse and rallies up the scared patients.
- Persona (1966) Swedish
A nurse is put in charge of an actress who can’t talk and finds that the actress’s persona is melding with hers.
- The Piano Teacher (2001) [French]
A young man romantically pursues his masochistic piano teacher.
- Rain Main (1988)
Selfish yuppie Charlie Babbitt’s father left a fortune to his savant brother Raymond and a pittance to Charlie; they travel cross-country.
- Solaris (1972) [Russian]
A psychologist is sent to a station orbiting a distant planet in order to discover what has caused the crew to go insane.
- Shame (2011)
In New York City, Brandon’s carefully cultivated private life – which allows him to indulge his sexual addiction – is disrupted when his sister arrives unannounced for an indefinite stay.
- Silver Linings Playbook (2012)
After a stint in a mental institution, former teacher Pat Solitano moves back in with his parents and tries to reconcile with his ex-wife. Things get more challenging when Pat meets Tiffany, a mysterious girl with problems of her own.
- Still Alice (2014)
A linguistics professor and her family find their bonds tested when she is diagnosed with Alzheimer’s Disease.
- Shutter Island (2010)
In 1954, a U.S. marshal investigates the disappearance of a murderess who escaped from a hospital for the criminally insane.
- Side Effects (2013)
A young woman’s world unravels when a drug prescribed by her psychiatrist has unexpected side effects.
- The Soloist (2009)
A Los Angeles journalist befriends a homeless Juilliard-trained musician, while looking for a new article for the paper.
- Take Shelter (2011)
Plagued by a series of apocalyptic visions, a young husband and father questions whether to shelter his family from a coming storm, or from himself.
- What About Bob? (1991)
A successful psychotherapist loses his mind after one of his most dependent patients, a manipulative, obsessively compulsive narcissist, tracks him down during his family vacation.
- What’s Eating Gilbert Grape (1993)
After his father’s death, Gilbert has to care for his mentally disabled brother, Arnie, and his morbidly obese mother, which is suddenly challenged when love walks into his life.
Procrastination is my middle name. But! I’m finally clearing out the bookmarks I’ve saved over the years. Some I didn’t really get to read properly, some I really liked but know that it’s time to delete them; but before I do so, here are some I’d like to jot down for future laughs or inspiration!
(Tried to categorise them for easier referencing)
(I never read this but ok looks cool)
Learning new stuff:
http://www.skilledup.com/guides (I actually never ventured past the start page but this looks useful)
https://www.duolingo.com (Learnt Swedish here too, and a little bit of Spanish)
(One of the million URLS when I was preparing/on exchange)
(When I was planning for Japan/Korea trip in Year 2 Summer)
http://www.exchangebuddy.com/exchangebuddy/guide-iceland-will-need/ (I didn’t go Iceland in the end sobs but will, one day!!)
https://www.sas.se/en/travel-info/low-fare-calendar/ (my favourite link on exchange)
http://www.bigboytravel.com/europe/germany/munich/topdaytrips/ (used this as a guide for some of my travels in Germany)
https://www.workaway.info/ (Work while you’re away!! Quite a cool concept, except that you have to pay to enter so I didn’t try it out yet)
http://www.italylogue.com/things-to-do/20-things-everyone-should-do-in-italy.html (Didn’t follow at all lol)
(Lol, am quite a nerd, but hey if you read the following: “A man walks into a bar and asks the barman for a glass of water. The barman pulls out a gun and points it at the man. The man says ‘Thank you’ and walks out.” won’t you be intrigued and want to know the answer too?)
(Maybe I shouldn’t remove this, after all haze is quite the annual occurrence in recent years)
https://www.viddsee.com/channel/singapore-film-channel (I’ll take a look at this again, didn’t really check it out)
So called life tips/inspirational/positive stuff:
(Used to read this when I was younger, like, back in secondary school)
(Some Facebook link I found)
(Lol the URL says it all: puns visual wordplay)
http://www.buddhanet.net/e-learning/qanda.htm (Basics of buddhism, went to find out more about it when I was asked about it)
https://darksideofcarter.wordpress.com/2013/02/12/be-aware-the-prospects-for-psychology-graduates-in-singapore/ (When I was still deciding if I should major in psych)
http://brenebrown.com/ (Learnt about her through some empathy video)
https://www-01.ibm.com/marketing/iwm/dre/signup?source=SWG-STATS-DESKTOP_TRIAL&S_PKG=CRNQ3ML&S_TACT=000000OA&lang=en_US (IBM SPSS Trial LOL)
http://www.pandatooth.com/sheet-music/ (I love this YouTuber!!! Such an inspiration and I love most of his pieces)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w6eQLWMs5AQ (Ramin plays Westworld theme song, lol have no idea why I bookmarked this)
http://www.readsherlock.com/index.php (One day, I will read ’em all)
http://www.bartleby.com/17/1/73.html (Aesop fables, short stories which I found surprisingly interesting)
http://www.webtoons.com/en/drama/dr-frost/list?title_no=371 (It falls under psychology too actually, cause this is a “comic” revolving around a psychologist called Dr. Frost, and his clients!! very interesting IMO)
All other random stuff:
http://custom.sg/en/t-shirt-printing?gclid=CJ3kko_Sj8oCFVQWaAodnEYJeQ (When I needed to print t-shirts and stickers)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_YPqM-MTKCI (A Swedish song that I kind of liked)
Wow, feel like doing another series whereby this time, I share some of my favourite URLS directly, since some of the bookmarks here are quite outdated…
So one of my friends just got robbed in London. It is really unfortunate, and it led me to think of some of my past experiences so far.
- The shell-game
I was in the capital of Germany: Berlin. I was walking along the Berlin wall, admiring the many murals painted on it, and then I came across this guy, hiding a ball in one of three cups, shuffling the cups, and asking people to make bets on where the ball was. Being curious, I observed further and I realised that it was so easy to spot where the ball was. I couldn’t believe my eyes. The rule was, if you bet 50 euros, and guessed which cup the ball was at, you’ll get double of that aka 100 euros. SO EASY?! A woman was betting, and when they asked her to guess where the ball was, she appeared to have some difficulty guessing the right one. Being a nice human, I kindly pointed the right one to her. But somehow, she just picked the other (wrong) cup. The guy then shuffled the cups again, and this time, he looked at me directly, with the woman encouraging me to place my bets this time. I was very naive but also quite skeptical, so I offered 1 euro as my bet. I think when they saw the 1 euro they were like “wtheck” in their minds HAHAHA. The guy then told me that only a minimum bet of 50 euros was allowed. 50 EUROS?! I am just a poor student on exchange.. So i walked away and continued admiring the murals. But I took another glance, and I noticed that the same woman kept on betting. And losing. And winning. And losing. And then I realised. Oh my god. I am so naive hahaha. The guy (and the woman) would’ve won no matter what, if someone else betted. The game was rigged. But thank god they were greedy bastards, if not I would have been scammed of my 1 euro. And there could’ve been other accomplices, lurking nearby waiting to pickpocket those who play the game too.
- The free roses
- This happened in Rome. Didn’t happen to me, but I witnessed countless cases of it. A friend and I were at the Spanish steps and simply enjoying the atmosphere and people-watching, when we saw groups of guys, holding a bunch of roses, targeting mostly couples. They would go up to the couple, act friendly and compliment the girl, giving her a rose and saying that it is free. If the girl accepts, the guy would start asking the girl’s boyfriend for a little “something”. It’s free for the girl, but not for the guy! It was quite funny watching all the different couples react to it. I liked it when people called their bullshit the moment they offered the rose. They either rejected it immediately, or asked “what do you want?” directly. Then there are others, who, I guess, are afraid to lose their egos and paid the guy anyway. Urgh. There was this one guy, who I thought would be taking out his wallet to pay, but he was so adamant and refused to pay, and was went all like OH I SEE WHERE THIS IS GOING when he was asked to pay for it. Woohoo! I think the funniest case was when a guy gave a girl, walking on her own, a rose. I think the girl felt like the guy admired her and happily accepted it and walked away rather quickly. The guy was shocked and hurriedly asked her for money. She then rejected the rose, and probably walked away with a little disappointment as well. (Not an admirer? Oh well.)
- Friendship bracelets!
- I think I saw this in a few places- Italy, France? So a guy walk up to people and try to tie bracelets around them. And if you let them do that, they will pester you until you pay. There was this once, in Milan, where I was with my family. And my mum, when approached by one of these guys, reacted quite strongly by turning away rather abruptly and shocking the guy LOL. Ok la, felt quite bad for him because although its a scam I think the guy was just trying to make a living too.
I’m sure there are a few more that I can’t remember, but I’ll update this post when I do.
Another random story (in Singapore):
I was in Bugis, near Toastbox. I was trying to find my way to somewhere to meet my friends, but this old guy asked me if I had $2 cuz he wanted to have a meal. Being skeptical, but also feeling guilty for being skeptical, I tried to be pragmatic and told him, “Hey, follow me, i’ll buy you a meal.” We walked to Toastbox. And the meal was >$2. But at least I know that he is truly hungry and can eat finish the meal.(Or maybe because he had no choice cuz I was watching him lol). I mean, I was late in meeting my friends but this… I guess it did fill my heart while it filled his stomach.
Gotland was a nice weekend getaway!
Although it started off with Ming Sei’s phone gaining freedom and becoming one with the sea, I loved the good vibes from this Gotland trip. (Will update with more later… but I need to post something before I forget it completely)
We got on the cruise woohoo, and this wasn’t even our seats HAHA but whatever, the seats are comfy enough for us to try sitting here anyway.
The freaking wind is so strong!!! And colddddd. Even in May, i swear.
[edit; will update more in future]
Came across this link on fb and thought to myself, okay why not just do this for fun. And to be honest, it isn’t a lot of countries but I’m still very grateful for the opportunity that I have in my life so far to be able to travel to all these places.
There is still many places in the world I wanna visit. And I realise it is incredibly hard and pointless to try and cover everything in a short period. I think I’m the kind that prefers taking my time instead of rushing from places to places– and also, I do think I’m getting tired of “cities”. I say this because, perhaps it is the similarities between them in Europe, or because I am always seemingly much in preference for the suburbs or non-cities. I don’t think I’ll be travelling again any time soon, but I do think that my next destination of choice would be closer to nature than to a city.